Whose fault is it really?
The guys or the girls?
As my commenter kingnimrod1 claims, girls are not of the marriage mind set. Even if this were true, would that help solve the SC?
It seems to me that guys don’t have a problem committing; girls do. If girls decided to stop taking guys for “a ride” and commit earlier in the dating process that would just take guys off the market quicker. Then there would be even fewer guys for the thousands of Great Girls out there to pin their hopes on. Unfortunately, it really does seem to be a numbers issue. Every year, another class of girls graduate from seminary who are “ready” and willing to date; guys don’t follow suit until at least two years later.
Girls get “older”, guys get “more seasoned”.
I know, I know, you’ve all heard this before.
So what’s the solution?
Recently, there’s been a movement (if you will) encouraging guys to date / marry older girls. This is not a bad idea, but it doesn’t solve the real problem.
There just seems to be more “good” girls than “good” guys.
I think the root of that problem lies with the definition of a “good” guy and a “good” girl.
Take any random girl off of the street in front of Stern or Touro and ask her what she’s looking for in a husband. She’ll most likely respond the following:
“Well, he should have a good parnassa but he should also be Machshiv Torah, but he should also care about our (future) family, but he should also be very Chesed Oriented, but he should also have time to spend with his parents and mine, and in general, just be A Good Boy, you know?”
OK, now let’s do some math.
1. Work = 45 hours/week (if you’re lucky and Hashem loves you)
2. Commuting 2 hours a day * 5 = 10 hours/week
3. Two hours night seder * 6 days a week = 12 hours/week
4. Minyan 2 hours a day * 6 days a week = 12 hours/week
5. Five hours/week for chessed
6. Two hours/week for your parents and five hours/week for hers = seven hours/week
7. Oh yeah, Shabbos = 25 hours/week
8. Two hours a day for your wife * 6 days a week = 12 hours/week
9. One hour a day for your kids * 6 days a week = 6 hours/week
10. Maybe 50 min a day for personal things (like eating and going to the bathroom) * 6 days a week = 5 hours/week
11. Oh yeah, SLEEP! How about 5 hours a night * 6 days = 30 hours/week
Total hours in a week = 168
Total hours needed per week to be a Good Boy = 169
So now I’m thinking, maybe the SC problems begin with the definitions?
As my commenter kingnimrod1 claims, girls are not of the marriage mind set. Even if this were true, would that help solve the SC?
It seems to me that guys don’t have a problem committing; girls do. If girls decided to stop taking guys for “a ride” and commit earlier in the dating process that would just take guys off the market quicker. Then there would be even fewer guys for the thousands of Great Girls out there to pin their hopes on. Unfortunately, it really does seem to be a numbers issue. Every year, another class of girls graduate from seminary who are “ready” and willing to date; guys don’t follow suit until at least two years later.
Girls get “older”, guys get “more seasoned”.
I know, I know, you’ve all heard this before.
So what’s the solution?
Recently, there’s been a movement (if you will) encouraging guys to date / marry older girls. This is not a bad idea, but it doesn’t solve the real problem.
There just seems to be more “good” girls than “good” guys.
I think the root of that problem lies with the definition of a “good” guy and a “good” girl.
Take any random girl off of the street in front of Stern or Touro and ask her what she’s looking for in a husband. She’ll most likely respond the following:
“Well, he should have a good parnassa but he should also be Machshiv Torah, but he should also care about our (future) family, but he should also be very Chesed Oriented, but he should also have time to spend with his parents and mine, and in general, just be A Good Boy, you know?”
OK, now let’s do some math.
1. Work = 45 hours/week (if you’re lucky and Hashem loves you)
2. Commuting 2 hours a day * 5 = 10 hours/week
3. Two hours night seder * 6 days a week = 12 hours/week
4. Minyan 2 hours a day * 6 days a week = 12 hours/week
5. Five hours/week for chessed
6. Two hours/week for your parents and five hours/week for hers = seven hours/week
7. Oh yeah, Shabbos = 25 hours/week
8. Two hours a day for your wife * 6 days a week = 12 hours/week
9. One hour a day for your kids * 6 days a week = 6 hours/week
10. Maybe 50 min a day for personal things (like eating and going to the bathroom) * 6 days a week = 5 hours/week
11. Oh yeah, SLEEP! How about 5 hours a night * 6 days = 30 hours/week
Total hours in a week = 168
Total hours needed per week to be a Good Boy = 169
So now I’m thinking, maybe the SC problems begin with the definitions?
posted by MoDox Machmir Man at 1:08 PM
4 Comments:
Where to begin...
1. "There just seems to be more “good” guys than “good” girls"
-- Im not sure what statistical analysis was used in this blanket statement but I think realistically, it's the oposite. Girls more often than guys, self reflect. So many girls have that inspiration to constantly better themselves as Im sure you have seen from example. I wonder how many guys do the same or how many become complacant with their standings.
2. "Five hours/week for chessed"
--There is rarely a "time cap" you can place on chessed, in fact chessed usually occurs throughout the day. So make that a 24/7 job, not five hours per week. The real question is how many of us choose to ignore those obvious opportunities.
3."Oh yeah, Shabbos = 25 hours/week"
--What does this even mean? Your are writing off 25 hours just like that? There is so much that can be factored in here...
I think in the end of the day, the real issue for guys is the lack of direction. Girls have so many lectures on every topic pertaining to dating/marriage while many guys do not. Dating older girls may not be the solution, but it is a start. People have to be more open minded, to take what they have learned and apply it to their individual lives- not just assumer the traits or expectations of others.
In a definition of a good boy, there was no time wasted on keeping a blog. I guess that might contribute to your problem with the SC. What type of "good boy" are you? Maybe you should be taking this time and use it for learning!
I'm glad you think that there are so many great and wonderful guys out there. I've been dating for about 5 years at this point and well, sadly enough, there really aren't too many good guys. It's just one idiot after the next. As anonymous pointed out, guys just aren't self motivated about growth and are certainly not taught it by their rebbeim. Too many guys I've come across get so caught up on the dumb physical appearance of a girl -- that even if she's a horrible individual, a complete air head and such -- it's fine because she's beautiful to look at. Is that normal!? I'm not saying you don't have to be attracted, but there's a difference of worrying if her hair is too short, too long, a size 4, 6, or 8 -- No girl looks the same forever -- especially after child birth. I have found that when guys are ready to settle down they do, when they are not, they just continue dating one after the other to only look for one thing...the reason to say no. There are definitely girls who are not ready to date...I firmly believe that maybe they shouldn't be dating so young but that's a whole other topic. If guys and girls would stop being so unrealistic and stupid about dating...things would be a lot simpler. There never was an SC when our parents were dating...what happened? People suddenly became concerned with whether the family uses a white tablecloth on shabbos or not...I have three words for people...GET A GRIP!
You all make fair points. For the record, I meant to say that there are more good girls than guys - I got it backwards. I will switch it and address the rest of the good comments soon
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